Crucial Conversations
Written by Heather Wringe
In 2002 K. Patterson, J. Grenny, R. Mcmillan and A. Switzler published the first edition of their book, Crucial Conversations. In it, they provide great insight into significant moments that effect our lives, and how we can communicate more effectively to achieve positive and productive outcomes. While it’s very normal for us to avoid difficult conversations – we fear retaliation, rejection or the dismissal of our ideas – the cost of not having them can be devastating. If we want successful teams and projects, crucial conversations must be had often, and early. The longer we wait to address a challenging situation, the bigger the issues become.
A crucial conversation is a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions are strong. Everyday crucial conversations include confronting a team member or boss who is not doing their share of work, a client who refuses to pay an overdue invoice, or even a colleague with poor personal hygiene. These discussions should be handled with care in order to prevent parties going silent or verbally violent. With productive dialogue, we can diffuse tension and get to the heart of an issue.
Productive Dialogue is the free-flow of meaning between two people, where all the relevant information from both parties is out in the open, providing a pool of shared meaning which facilitates synergy.
A Safe Space
Safety is critical to productive dialogue – when we feel threatened, our fight or flight response kicks in. In a crucial conversation, this manifests as silence or verbal violence.
Silence: purposefully withholding information from the pool of meaning, manifesting in behaviours such as masking, avoiding, withdrawing.
Violence: any strategy that attempts to convince, control or manipulate the other person to your point of view. It disrupts safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Associated behaviours include controlling, labelling and attacking.
It is important not get too caught up in the content of a conversation, instead when you notice these signs, make it safe again by re-establishing mutual purpose and mutual respect to avoid ending up in a heated debate.
"When-I" Invite
We usually go into crucial conversations with a story and conclusion in mind. We can carry around stories that are based on misinterpretations that are not grounded in reality. We should assume that we don’t know the full story and we need the help of the other person to get a complete picture. Replay the story as we saw it using the “When…I…” invite i.e. share your story as objectively as possible (start with the facts)
For example, When [this happened], I felt…and concluded…
Then invite them to share their story in a way that let's them know that you are OK with what they have to say, even if it's controversial.
e.g. “I’m probably not seeing the full picture - can you please help me see what’s going on?” or “I'd like to hear from you. Can you help me understand what’s happening on your end?”
These are neither passive not aggressive, rather assertive and honest (sharing facts and your experience). Take time to consider what your facts actually are, before engaging in the conversation. Encourage others to share their facts, stories and feelings - then LISTEN to what they have to say. This adds meaning to the shared pool and facilitates productive dialogue.
Common Ground/Mutual Purpose
People can still feel threatened and defensive. In order to help them feel safe, we should establish common ground – that is, communicate a shared goal, value or purpose. This allows the conversation to move from a fight mode to collaboration and brainstorming/strategizing. By reminding ourselves and the other person of what it is we are both aiming for, we are more likely to work together towards an agreeable solution. This demonstrates that you simply have conflicting strategies to achieve the same ultimate goal. When emotions start to escalate, get back to productive dialogue by saying things such as,
“We both want…Let’s see if we can come up with a solution together”.
“I don’t want to fight, I just want to find a way for both of us to get [common goal]”
“I know we both care about [common value]. Let’s see if we can both get what we want”
Priming
If a person remains silent, try nudging them back to productive dialogue by priming their point of view. This involves making a reasonable guess as to what the other person is thinking/feeling, (that is, the concerns they may have)
For example, “You may be thinking…?” or “Are you thinking…?”
By speaking to possible thoughts or objections, we give the other person permission to voice their concerns in a safe space.
Considering facts, events, stories and feelings beforehand, establishing a safe space for presenting other perspectives, communicating a shared purpose, and engaging in productive dialogue that works toward this common goal, are all important elements in conducting crucial conversations.