Dealing With a Difficult Boss
A boss has considerable power and control over other people, so their difficult behaviour has much greater implications. Studies of the U.S. army show that 20% of soldiers indicate they have a toxic leader. Another study showed a link between a soldier committing suicide and having a toxic leader.
A boss can exhibit several of the toxic and difficult behaviours described earlier but some of the most common ones are:
domineering behaviour, pushing you to do things you don’t agree with
becoming angry at small mistakes or incorrect information
a tendency to criticise and see what’s wrong with things
micro-managing, telling you how to do your job when you know how to do it
highly controlling, wanting to make every decision, not allowing you control over any expenses or requiring you get their agreement on all matters
overly demanding or having unrealistic expectations
changing his/her decision or priorities
not living up to his/her word
making promises he/she doesn’t fulfill
manipulating situations and people
sea gull management - flying in, dropping something on you and flying out!
not informing or giving you information needed to do the job
not providing feedback and then hitting you with things they were expecting (i.e. setting you up for failure by asking you to do something, waiting until you fail and then telling you missed it)
not being there when you need him/her
not backing you in the difficult times and with critical decisions
not fighting the higher-ups for the important things you and the team need
giving things away to customers or higher management (e.g. accepting cut backs to staffing or resources and still guaranteeing the same level of service)
procrastinating on decisions or actions
checking out mentally and/or physically if he/she is moving to another job or retiring
These can be very difficult and challenging situations since your manager has the power to support or withdraw company resources, time, and can redirect your efforts. You may not agree with or like the situation, but your manager has a lot of authority in this circumstance as long as you continue to work at the organisation and accept the money they give you.
Here are a number of things you can do to manage your boss.
General Ways to Manage Your Boss
1. Ask questions, don’t be afraid to ask for clarification, more information and to check you’ve got their instructions right. Your boss is often very busy and he/she assumes that you have understood his/her instructions if you haven’t said anything.
2. Understand what your boss is wanting to achieve overall and how your project, area and actions contribute to these and the organisation. You may need to ask your manager ‘What are your top 3 or 4 priorities for the next 12 months. See if your priorities align with his/hers. If not, look at how you can realign yours to be a contribution to the strategic goals he/she is trying to attain and what you can reconsider and shift to be more in alignment with his/hers.
3. Determine the way your boss likes to receive information and when he/she prefers receiving it. Some managers prefer to get things in writing while others like to have you tell them face-to-face so they can hear and see the emphasis you place on things. Managers get a lot of emails and they don’t have time to look at all of them and want to hear from you directly for what is most important.
4. If he/she asks you to do something, ask him/her to give you a time-frame for when it is needed and ask what its priority is compared to other tasks. Confirm the task and the time for completion in an email.
5. Keep a list of what you have been asked to do and keep your boss informed on your progress. If you don’t tell him/her, he/she will wonder about it and might assume you haven’t done anything.
6. Every 4 months meet with your boss and ask him/her to tell you “What are three things I do well and you want me to keep doing?” and “What are three things I could improve upon (please be honest and specific)?”
7. Seek advice from someone who knows how to handle your manager well.
When Your Manager is Behaving Badly
Don’t take things personally – he/she has a lot of things to do and may be under pressure and is venting at you to relieve his/her stress. Getting upset, sulking or biting back doesn’t help the problem.
Managers often want everything done now and perfectly. This isn’t possible all the time so you have to ask him/her, “If you want this done by tomorrow, which of the other things you’ve given me to do, A or B, are you ok with me postponing until Monday?” This puts the decision back on him/her to give you her priorities and to give you a reasonable time to do the job he/she wants done.
Be assertive (but not aggressive). Be clear what you will accept and won’t accept (e.g. outbursts, bad language, etc.). If he/she uses language that you feel uncomfortable with (e.g. four letter words, sexist language, making snide comments about you or others), you have to firmly but respectfully tell him/her you’d prefer he/she not do this around you. You may have to remind him/her a few times. If he/she continues to ignore your requests, it is time to reconsider why you are continue working for him/her.
Consider asking someone who he/she respects to ask him/her to treat you differently. Some managers can’t hear things from their subordinates and you have to go around or above them. This is a difficult strategy to pursue.
Make notes, document events and behaviours accurately and save emails and correspondence. Record who was at the meeting and who observed or heard the word or inappropriate behaviours.
Act sooner rather than later. Don’t allow bad behaviour to continue. If you don’t do or say anything about this, people will naturally wonder why you raise it after all this time (months or years) and may feel it's related to some other event (e.g. you didn’t get a pay raise or a promotion) rather than the actual behaviour.
If after you’ve tried or considered all the above and he/she can’t be changed, then you have one of two options;
Either accept him/her as he/she is, or
Speak to someone above him/her and ask for help to determine a strategy to move away from him/her as soon as possible. Speaking to someone above your boss has risks if it looks like you are going behind their back and criticising him/her.
If you stay because you need the money and you can’t find anywhere else to go, recognise the cost and consequences to you personally. It takes courage to move on and you usually are much better off but sometimes that might not be possible. Much patience and practicing mindfulness techniques may help.