Managing Self-Talk
Written by Ron Cacioppe
Beginning to practise mindfulness also means starting to understand your mind. The busy part of our mind is often called monkey mind. We experience monkey mind when our head is filled with thoughts and emotions, when we worry about things, or feel we have so much to do and not enough time. When monkey mind is in the present, it’s like a computer that sorts, translates, processes and brings in useful information. But when it’s not in the present, it gets distracted into thinking about the past and future – and making unnecessary judgements!
Another part of the mind is the conducting mind. This evaluates and integrates information. It makes sense of information, conceptualises and makes decisions. When the conductor is operating well (when monkey mind is still) it acts appropriately and effectively, and determines what is true and right, by using reason and intuition clearly.
So, when we look closer at monkey mind, we see it has different types of self-talk going on. What we normally call ‘thinking’ occurs as an inner voice - it’s a running commentary or discussion about events in the past, present or future. It’s referred to as self-talk because we’re talking to ourselves! It’s that voice in the head!You can be especially aware of this voice when you’re driving or when you’re alone with time to think. The voice can take on a range of attitudes or emotional tones; it can be negative or positive, or perhaps neither…just a neutral commentator. And there can also be times when there is no self-talk.
Negative self-talk
This occurs when we judge others, ourselves or events in a negative way. The voice of negative self- talk is critical and it’s picking out what’s wrong. It complains that things are not okay. This type of negativity is often about something that can’t be changed so there is a feeling of being a victim: ‘poor me…look what they’ve done to me! During negative self-talk things are just not good enough.
This negative self-talk can be so subtle it’s not even recognised as negative. For example, we can get tense when we’re caught in traffic. We might think it’s normal to be anxious and frustrated about being late for an appointment, and don’t see that it’s negative self-talk operating. Yet we project thoughts and judgements about the situation. With negative self-talk there’s a destructive emotional tone. It’s like poison being let into you, and it carries with it a bad feeling.
Another type of negative self-talk is worry. In this case we project ideas about bad outcomes, and yet how often do we worry about a situation that actually never occurs? If we are going to be faced with a difficult situation, it is far for helpful to enter it with a clearly functioning mind, rather than one that has already exhausted itself with worry.
Neutral self-talk
This is when the mind is commenting in an objective, non-emotional way. It can remind you to pay a bill before it’s overdue, where you left your car keys, or what to write in an email. Often, it’s an automatic response to a situation based on your past conditioning. It’s automatic thinking; in fact it’s barely thinking at all.
Much of the time neutral self-talk provides useful and relevant information. It’s like a computer program that’s always running in the background. However, sometimes it can over-analyse, and we end up with a situation of way too much thinking, and just end up confusing ourselves!
Positive self-talk
This has a happy emotional tone to it. It appreciates the moment and comments about how good things are. Martin Seligman, the leading scholar of positive psychology, reports that positive self-talk and optimism can reduce stress-related disease, promote faster recovery from illness, lower blood pressure, and improve job satisfaction and interpersonal relations. His research shows that people with a more positive outlook are 50% less likely to get a cold or flu virus because they have a healthier immune system. Positive self-talk can be used to overcome negative self-talk.
Research shows that an increase in positive mood is directly related to becoming more aware of routine daily activities, observing and attending to ordinary life experiences, and functioning less on automatic pilot. In short, positive self-talk can help you to be more mindful.
No self-talk
This occurs when you are fully aware of the present moment, with no inner voice commenting on and judging the situation. The mind during this time is clear and can make decisions calmly and accurately. You would have experienced this at certain times. Many people describing this state say that time seems to slow down; their mind is quiet, even during activity…and they find these moments extremely satisfying.
Such moments frequently occur while we’re doing things like walking in nature, listening to music, doing our favorite hobby, exercising or gardening. Also, times of creativity like painting, singing, dancing or writing. It’s in these moments, with an absence of any self-talk that we’re said to be in flow.
How much time are you involved in each type of self-talk during your day?
Complete the worksheet below to review your self-talk.
Remember that every moment is a moment of choice. You can choose to remain distracted, hoarding the day’s thoughts and emotions, or you can choose to frequently punctuate your day by pausing and releasing this tension, allowing you to respond to the need of the moment.