Giving Feedback Effectively
Written by Ron Cacioppe
Providing feedback in a meaningful and constructive way facilitates continuous improvement and ultimately, higher performance. You may be familiar with the “feedback sandwich” – this traditional model is popular as it positions any negative aspects between at least two positives. It is not, however, particularly effectively in achieving our desired outcome.
Effective feedback is specific and allows space for deeper understanding, compromise, and ideally influences improvement in the most constructive manner.
In the book Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott describes common errors when confronting behaviour. Read through these 5 approaches and consider which of these you use, and in what situations.
1. So, how’s it going?
Asking the person how do you feel you are doing in the job?How would you rate your performance? Openings like this are disrespectful and dishonest. Plus you are not fooling anyone. Most of us can smell a hidden agenda a mile off. If their response is – “things are going well, a little creative tension, but we’re working through it” Now where is the conversation? Nowhere useful. Most people determine to bluff their way through a veiled confrontation for as long as possible. Some are very good at it. Don’t provide the opportunity. If what you really want to say is “Your job is on the line,” then say that. Clearly, cleanly and calmly.
2. The Oreo Cookie Sandwich
Many of us were advised at some point to begin a confrontation with a compliment, then slip the real message – the cream filling – then tidy up with another compliment or some words of encouragement. “You did a really good job on the Adam’s report’ then splat, the criticism, the negative feedback, “But you’ve come in late almost every day this week and you’ve been out two days last week. Work is piling up and people are complaining.” Ending with “I’m counting on you. You’re a terrific person with much to offer.”
People get paranoid as soon as someone in authority says, “You did a great job on….”. They are waiting for the BUT.People deserve to know exactly what is required of them, how and on what criteria they will be judged (including attitude), and how they are doing. Praise is essential when deserved. And when you praise, keep the conversation separate, focused and clear. Reserve your praise for specific behaviours and results deserving of celebration and congratulations. Do not use praise as a lead-in to a confrontation.
3. Too Many Pillows
Soften the message in order to lessen the impact and avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. Sometimes we put too many pillows around the message that the message gets lost altogether. We have worked up a sweat and expended all of this emotional energy for nothing. Our employee may walk away thinking they have just had another casual chat. Replace pillows with clear requests.
A secondary point here is whilst we tell ourselves we are softening the message so as not to hurt someone else’s feelings, we are really trying to protect ourselves. We do not look forward to dealing with our own emotions, much less someone else’s. So we wait for just the right moment when the other person is in the right mood.When we do this, it is often a long wait. Odds are, we may never have the conversation. You go first. When? When you are tired of limping and decide to remove the stone from your shoe.
4. Writing the Script.
Many of us have a tendency to script in our minds what we think someone else will do or say if we bring up a certain topic. Certainly if we have a history with someone at home or at work, it is natural to anticipate his or her reaction. It is also a problem. If I play out a movie in my mind what I will say and then what you will probably say; there is little possibility for improvisation. Little opportunity for new behaviours or responses on either side.When we script what others will say and do prior to a conversation, we can be so locked into the responses we’re expecting that when someone responds differently, we do not notice. She may not sound angry right now, but inside I bet she’s seething. I know how she is. Or we steel ourselves for the anticipated response, and, in so doing, our words come out as metallic or cold. Our bodies manifest the pictures our minds send to them, so pay attention to the negative scenario you are running in your mind.
5. Machine Gun Nelly
Unfortunately we are all familiar with the person who confronts with heavy artillery. This individual is so terrorised by the notion of confrontation that they get the adrenaline flowing, then runs into the room and hurls the message with vitriol or vengeance. They so fear the negative response they have scripted in their mind ahead of time that they skip anticipated defensive manoeuvres and head directly to the offensive. This is the bully, who is, if course terrified. So terrified that once the message is delivered, this person ducks and runs, without surveying the extent of the damage inflicted.
Delivering a difficult message, clearly, cleanly, and succinctly is essential. If you need to confront someone’s behaviour, do not begin by asking that person how things are going or by complimenting him or her. Don’t surround your message with pillows. Come straight to the issue. Get right to the point. Say what you have to say in sixty seconds, then immediately extend an invitation to your partner to join the conversation.
Sixty seconds? That’s not enough time to express all the angst that’s been building up inside me. Not enough time to tell the long story. But oh, how powerful. When your opening statement has been prepared and delivered with skill and grace, the invitation to your partner to participate wholeheartedly and thoughtfully in the conversation will be compelling. It is highly likely that the relationship will be enriched in the process.
Identifying these common pitfalls in giving feedback and becoming aware of which you use better enables us in moving towards a more effective approach.